The Daily News Police Blotter: Fear and Loathing in Atherton

One of the many charms of living in Silicon Valley is the presence of a high-quality, 100% ad-supported (therefore, free) daily newspaper: The Daily News.

For a free newspaper, the quality of this journal is really unbelievable. The local coverage is surprisingly good, national coverage is AP and syndicated content, and it has two (count 'em) crossword puzzles. For anyone less than a news junkie, it really does the trick.

However, the best section of the Daily News is easily the Police Blotter, where they diligently detail the less savory side of Silicon Valley.

Like anywhere, most of the incidents detailed in the police blotter are no laughing matter. Yet, some items in the blotter always bring a smile — if not for the incident itself, than for the tone of the item: an inimitable blend of matter-of-factness, tongue-in-cheek commentary, and the drudgery of dealing with people behaving badly.

Here are a few choice items — unretouched — that graced the Palo Alto Daily News Police Blotter on April 21, 2005.

Some items have the sense of resignation that comes with reporting mindless crime:

REDWOOD CITY
Monday

900 block of Roosevelt Ave., 8:43 a.m.: Graffiti was found on a school for the second day in a row.

Other pieces are short form stories, drawing me in for 15 words and then leaving me wondering about the rest of the tale:

REDWOOD CITY
Monday

First block of Atherwood Place, 1:10 p.m.: A woman reported finding a club card membership card with her name and her neighbor's picture on it.

SAN MATEO
Monday

1600 block of Borel Place, 9:34 a.m.: A woman reported receiving 42 harassing messages.

100 block of Ontario St., 10:57 a.m.: A person reported their son borrowed their car on April 1 and has yet to return it.

(If only they provided updates. Did the son bring the car back?)

Finally, there are the police blotter items from the Atherton Police Department. These bits are truly in a class by themselves.

In terms of median home value, Atherton is the richest zip code in America. The average home was worth $2,266,711 at the end of last year. Furthermore, Atherton is about as cloistered and quaint as they come (for an area squat in the middle of a major metropolitan area). The Atherton cops keep copies of people's home keys on file, lest they lock themselves out. Most of Atherton is sidewalk-free, though it is sandwiched betwixt several communities of more than 50,000 people.

Without fail, police blotter items for Atherton are twice as long as items from the surrounding community. Each one is a tale diagramming this strange burg. Each one shows what police are called to do when they become a security force for the rich and nervous:

ATHERTON
Monday

First block of Walnut, 7:15 a.m.: A resident called police to report that their fence was damaged and construction vehicles were blocking their driveway

Just one battle in the Martha Stewart-esque property wars forever underway beneath Atherton's oaks.

ATHERTON
Monday

100 block of Selby Lane, 9:38 a.m.: Someone broke into a container at Selby Lane Elementary, spreading the container's contents across the campus. Burglars also tried to break into the ice cream room.

This school has an ice cream room?

ATHERTON
Monday

500 block of Middlefield Road, 10:28 a.m.: A silver IT70 Nextel cell phone was stolen from a locker at Menlo Atherton High School.

Something tells me that daddy can afford a new one.

ATHERTON
Monday

First block of Lowery Drive, 1:35 p.m.: A resident reported that cars were illegally parked in front of her property.

If these cars are parked here for 5 more minutes, then the terrorists have already won.

ATHERTON
Monday

First block of Lilac Drive, 3:06 p.m.: A resident called police because a neighbor had been complaining about the noise level from their son's band practice. The resident asked police to come to the practice at 4 p.m. and take a decibel reading.

Battles 2 & 3 of the day in the Inter-Atherton Resident Wars.

ATHERTON
Monday

300 block of Walsh Road,11:27 p.m.: A 46-year-old man was taken to the hospital.

I thought this was the police blotter.

The Palo Alto/San Mateo/Redwood City/Burlingame/Los Gatos Daily News Police Blotter. I highly encourage you to check it out.