Monday, November 24, 2003

We're a Family Now. We Protect Each Other!

...or so the Klan intiate thought, until he was accidentally shot by a Klansman who'd been firing shots into the air during his initiation ceremony. Had the rally been held in Geuda Springs, Kansas (where it's now illegal to NOT own a gun) the injured would have had a chance to defend himself.

I'm Not Just a Cage Dancer, I'm a Cage Artist

While checking out an article at the New Zealand Herald, I noticed this dignity-preserving classified ad.

In other important news, U.S. Customs is finally cracking down on smuggled bologna.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

The Hard Numbers

Killed by Tobacco (Annually): 3,000,000
Killed by Marijuana (Ever): 1

Back to Terrible

A playoff-caliber Golden State Warriors would almost certainly signal the Apocalypse. Therefore, the world can breathe a collective sigh of relief as our Bay Area squad squanders a good start and claims last place in the West, a position it will doubtlessly hold for the rest of the season.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Depends on Your Definition of "Wholly"

Wholly unfounded, Michael? Wholly unfounded?

Allow me to remind you that...
...your house is called Neverland. live with a chimpanzee named Bubbles. settled with a kid in 1993 in response to similar allegations.

SCO: Go Away Already!

Since its chances of winning its frivolous lawsuit against IBM seem non-existent, I have to interpret SCO's wild IP claims against Linux as an attempt to inflate its valuation (up more than 1000% during this balderdash).

I really wish some big fish would hurry up and consume this minnow, putting an end to their all-too-often nonsense claims. All it takes is an acquisition, fellas. Please ...someone step up to the plate.

The real victim in all of this will prove to be David Boies, the brand-name attorney who defended Gore in Election 2000, attacked Microsoft, and tried to save Napster. Why is he dragging his reputation through the mud by defending the IT equivalent of Big Tobacco?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Holy Men with Beards Risk Bringing New Meaning to Phrase "Russian Bear"

Though we Liberals applaud the American Episcopalian church for consecrating V. Gene Robinson as its first openly gay bishop, the church is feeling real consequences in response to its brave action. Yesterday, the Russian Orthodox Church announced that it would "freeze its relations" with the Episcopal Church USA.

This Cold War-like action is clearly an attempt to clarify the sexuality status of dudes who look and dress like this. Personally, I think these men look like rockstars and need not go to such great lengths to tout their heterosexuality.

Did we question the sexuality of 80's hair rockers Warrant or Poison? Of course not. You see, it's okay for rockers to look just a little gender bent.

His Holiness should rest easy. We know he's all about the honeys.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Dang, It’s Hot Out Here. Pass the Chardonnay.

Looks like (for now) global warming is improving the quality of wine. The conspiracy theorist in me says that this is probably part of a vast effort to keep us all loaded while the world goes to hell in a handbasket.

Wally and the Pointy-Haired Boss at an Offsite Meeting

While I’m a huge fan of Dilbert and The Simpsons, I occasionally worry that these series possess a lifeless, timeless repetition. Although it’s often a point of strength, I’m sometimes bothered when there’s not an underlying plot furthered by the current action. Occasionally, these series break out of their molds, like when Maude Flanders died in November 2000. Maude's death changed the status quo for the Simpsons, dividing their episodes into BMD (Before Maude's Death) and AMD.

With this in mind, I was really pleased to see this Sunday’s Dilbert comic, which I overinterpret as providing a glimpse into the characters of Wally and the Pointy-Haired Boss.

Wally’s perpetual evasion of down-sizing makes so much more sense now that I know these two bumblers share a weekend pew.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Corporate Grief Makes Me Weepy

Burger King's apology to a booted breast-feeding mom feels so heartfelt. "Burger King Corporation and our franchisee apologize for any inconvenience any of our guests experienced at our restaurant on November 10, 2003." Wow. Touching.

Thank goodness for this "any of our guests" coverage. Since this is essentially a class action apology, does that mean that anyone who happened into a Burger King on Monday is due some kind of inconvenience award? A couple of fries?

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Buy a Box of Cookies or I'll Cut You

Some Girl Scouts learn about teamwork and volunteering.
Some Girl Scouts trap and skin beavers.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Double Entendre

I find it amusing that an article on Jessica Simpson's new TV deal would include the phrase "the ideal showcase for her considerable talents" alongside the particular picture they decided to run.

Driving While Predictably Impaired

I'm tremendously skeptical of anyone who wears sunglasses indoors, so it comes as no surprise to me that former Chicago Bears QB Jim McMahon, famous for always wearing shades, would be pulled over while driving with a .261 blood-alcohol level.

Though he and Jack Nicholson both claim to have sensitive eyes, we can guess the real truth. Watching basketball's just that much more entertaining when you're higher than Jesus.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Yellow Ledbetter Has Lyrics?

I'd always thought that Eddie Vedder was singing jibberish (grunge scatting, if you will) on Yellow Ledbetter, the Pearl Jam B-side classic. According to these acute ears, he's actually singing in English. I'm shocked, totally shocked.

I Don't Think We Ever Invaded Iraq

The White House is dubiously blocking search engine access to Iraq-related material, preventing Google from caching Bush's schpiel and spin while he changes it to fit the public's mood.

Whew. We Escaped.

If your worldview guarantees you a cozy afterlife situation, blowing yourself up to elude capture is a little bit like comic book villians who disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

The Good Ship Lollypop

The sun's recent spate of solar flares has me more atuned to astronomy news. Along those lines, it appears that Voyager 1 has crossed beyond one of the boundaries of our sun's influence in space, termination shock (Isn't that a gorgeous term?).

In the article referenced above, the graphic of the solar system moving through deep space reminds me of how the Van Allen belts are depicted, shielding the Earth from solar radiation.

It's all such a delicate balance, isn't it?

Who's My Boss, Sir?

Though only 23% of Americans correctly identified the Department of Defense as a part of Bush's cabinet, it appears that more Americans may become conscripted employees of the DoD sometime soon.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Will the Real Slim Shady Please Get a Haircut?

I'll admit it.

I'm among those coffee house-types who extole the genius of Eminem without providing any evidence to support this outlandish claim. Others go further, granting Eminem a significant spot in music history. Still others go on and on about his good looks.

Regarding his place in musical history, I guess we'll see. Regarding his good looks, I dunno. The certain thing about his appearance is that he looked like an alien as a child.

Ah, to be famous and have people posting your elementary school pictures on the internet...