News Junkie

The guy just got hurt, so he can't really be blamed for his most recent media item. However, it does seem that Ozzy Osbourne misses his The Osbournes spotlight just a little too much.

I wish Ozzy a fast recovery, and I hope he (or those around him) begin to question the value of this fame-for-fame's sake.

Who Wouldn't Be Pissed?

In life and comedy, some things don't require an explanation.

With this simple truth in mind, every week The Onion runs some headlines on its front page that aren't linked to articles. This week, Perverted Ninja Enjoys Being Seen and New York's Finest Protect New York's Richest are non-articles that exist solely as titles.

I was certain that Salon's Fans in Sierra Leone Riot When Dwarf Comedians Don't Show was one of these fakes. Boy, was I surprised to see that it was an actual news item.

How Convenient

It looks like I won't need to turn on Fox News to be reminded that a know-nothing conservatism has hijacked America.

I can just look at the change in my pocket.

Steely Lies

In lifting steel tariffs today, President George W. Bush [aka a miserable failure (why?)] said "these safeguard measures have now achieved their purpose, and as a result of changed economic circumstances, it is time to lift them."

What a bald-faced lie.
What a complete evasion of reality.

Would it have been too frightening for him to be honest, to say that lifting these sanctions is the only way to avoid a trade war?

I suppose I must be too partisan.
I must be too naïve.

...because it occurs to me that every time this President opens his mouth out he restates some small defeat as if it were victory. Anyone who's paid their dues in corporate America knows this double-speak all too well -- how the language of optimism in the face of the facts has to be used with the utmost care -- lest the speaker be regarded as a know-nothing who will toe the corporate line at all costs.

...even at the cost of seeming more than a little disingenuous.

Right Wing Bowl Cut

What I find interesting about this picture is not that the Drudge Report ran it with a caption announcing Dean's current 32 point lead in New Hampshire, nor that Dean's laugh looks a little menacing.

What caught my attention is that this photo conclusively proves that young conservatives should not make their own decisions regarding haircuts.

Ouch.

As a President, George Bush is a miserable failure.

Why echo the Democratic candidates' campaign vitriol? Well, apparently enough people have linked the above phrase to George Bush's online bio that it appears as the #1 result when searching Google for miserable failure.

And you thought your Google profile was bad.

Kim Jong Il on IM

With each passing day, the world becomes more and more dependent on instant messaging. As evidenced by Kim Jong Il's IM logs, even paranoid, ruthless dictators need to IM to get anything done.

That Girl Got a Demi on Her?

Having lost its way long ago, it appears that DaimlerChrysler has decided that competing with Victoria's Secret is easier than competing with Toyota. During halftime of this year's Super Bowl, Chrysler's Dodge unit will host the Lingerie Bowl. What's more, one team is coached by Lawrence Taylor, the fearsome NY Giants linebacker who has informed America that his on-field prowess was enabled by a off-field regimen of hookers and crack.

Who Invited You?

Like a majority of Americans in my age group, I'm in favor of legalizing gay marriage. However, my law school-enrolled wife noted that it'd be interesting to see how public support would fare for the groups certain to follow gays into this public dialogue: polygamists and people in incestuous relationships.

It seems that her test case maybe be on its way, as a convicted Utah polygamist claims that the Supreme Court's decriminalization of homosexuality means that polygamy should be made legal. His case would probably be stronger if he weren't facing life in prison for having sex with one of his wives when she was 13.

Although Tom Green's adolescent wives will probably keep him off the streets, more palatable non-monogamists are sure to emerge. Pundit-worthy incestuous couples will follow.

...and these ways of life will gradually all become legal. As well they should.

From where I sit, Leviticus 18:22, Thou shall not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination, warrants as little attention today as Leviticus 19:19, Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. I doubt that sexual morality laws will end up hinging on much more than involving consenting adults and avoiding cruelty to animals.

The only real question is timeline.

Suppose gay marriage is legal in the majority of American states in 2020...
When will polygamous marriage be legal?
2050? 2075? 2100? 2500?

How long until incestuous couples can enter into legal unions?
Since inbreeding is famously unpopular, and children raised communally generally exhibit the Westermarck effect (whereby they're not attracted to one another), I'm sure incest will take longer before it becomes legalized.

...but how much longer? 10 years? 100? 500?

Like Night-Vision Glasses Held Together by Masking Tape

In the 20th Century, the US military maintained an advantage on the battlefield through superior technology, superior tactics, and superior information. Now that the Pentagon is exploring the use of Segways in the battle, it appears that we’d like to begin intimidating our enemies through profound dorkiness.